TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of spot. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Sure, absolutely sure, let us have An additional position where American Adult males can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: supply everyone a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he really should prevent using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the challenge, replied, "You already know, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from space, a element getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not only hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Trump Tower Damascus Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely include:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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